To the Desk of Smokescreen
by Sergeant Duck
Summary: RE: Smokescreen's request.
1. Chapter 1

*********The original of this is much funnier. I made it look like an official memo like what we use in the United States Air Force. Silly won't let it look like that though. Shame as I even added an Autobot symbol like a seal. Oh well. Enjoy!*********

**AUTOBOT CENTCOM**

**1st BATALLION ARK-1 AUTOBOT AIR FORCE**

02 February 2009

MEMORANDUM FOR: Diversionary Tactician/Psychological Officer

FROM: Chief Medical Officer Ratchet____________

SUBJECT: Go frag yourself Smokescreen____________

I am writing this because Primus hates me; also because Smokescreen seems to think that writing down random thoughts may help him understand my so called out of control temper. Normally I would tell him where he can shove his suggestion but Prime has seen fit to agree with our local CPU shrink.

1. The Lamborghini twins are insane.

2. I don't care how cute and innocent he appears, I assure you, Bumblebee is none of the above.

3. If you are sure you have a secret that no one else knows, Jazz knew about it a week before you.

4. Wheeljack has blown his left hand off 28 times since we've arrived on Earth.

5. I forgot about Red Alert. **ALL LAMBORGHINIS ARE INSANE****.**

6. Due to excessive bitching, the following mechs are hereby forbidden from talking in my presence…Gears, Huffer, Cliffjumper, Red Alert, Sunstreaker, and Tracks.

7. I will kill whoever taught the Dinobots how to fingerpaint then told them they could practice on the walls of my med bay. This is not a threat; it is a promise.

8. I am offering a reward to the mech who brings me a remote control with a functioning mute button for Bluestreak's vocalizer.

9. I never actually thought I'd find anything useful amongst the humans' primitive tools. I was corrected when introduced to the marvel known as duct tape.

10. Datsuns are a close second behind Lamborghinis on the sanity scale (yes, I am including you Smokescreen).

11. If it is explosive, don't let Wheeljack anywhere near it.

12. If it is flammable, don't let Wheeljack anywhere near it.

13. If it is flammable, explosive, toxic, radioactive, poisonous, or corrosive don't let Wheeljack near it!!! For the love of all that is holy PLEASE just don't even let him look at it!!!

14. Add fruit to that list. Who knew oranges could create napalm?

15. I load my reports with spelling errors just to piss Prowl off.

16. Whoever gave Sideswipe his very first jetpack…I hate you.

17. I got my motto from a human t-shirt. "Violence may not be the best option…but it's still an option."

18. The incident with Cliffjumper on August 29th...I don't care who did it; I just want to know **how?!**

19. Ironhide is ticklish.

20. My wrench is more aerodynamic than you think.

21. The next human who asks me if I am wearing red underwear will be squished; interspecies peace act be damned.

22. 29 times. If you want a bigger list you're going to have to wait until after I've reattached Wheeljack's hand…again.

_**// SIGNED //**_

RATCHET, CMO, AUTOBOT


	2. Chapter 2

*****Holy crap! I never would have imagined something I had sitting in my scraps folder would get this sort of response from you all. I'm glad you all liked it! As requested I'm adding a response from Smokescreen. Personally I don't think it's as good as Ratchet's but lets face it; Ratchet is good...very good. Maybe Smokescreen's pathetic attempt to piss on his parade will elicit an even better Ratchet response. One can only hope.*****

**AUTOBOT CENTCOM**

**1st BATTALION ARK-1 AUTOBOT AIR FORCE**

06 February 2009

MEMORANDUM FOR: Chief Medical Officer

FROM: Diversionary Tactician/Psychological Officer

SUBJECT: RE: Go frag yourself Smokescreen

Go frag yourself Smokescreen? This is what I get for trying to help you? It is obvious that you are not taking me or my job seriously; so I am trying a different tactic. Let's see how the doctor likes his own medicine shall we? The numbers next to my responses coincide with the numbers used in your original message.

1. I wouldn't say that the Lamborghini twins are "insane". In my professional opinion I'd say it's more a case of CPU trauma. Like what one might obtain from repeated hits to the head from a blunt object; like a wrench. I can't imagine how that could of happened.

2 and 21. Bumblebee may not be cute or innocent but at least he isn't wearing red underwear.

3 and 15. Jazz knows all huh? I guess that includes the message you sent me. Barrel of high grade says he told Prowl about your spelling errors.

4 and 22. I know you and Wheeljack have made picking on each other a hobby but I don't think that gives you the right to exaggerate his injuries. There is no way Wheeljack has managed to blow his left hand off that many times.

5. Red Alert's personality flaws are due to a glitch. What's your excuse?

6. Excessive bitching? You are now the official Prime of Hypocrisy.

7. I think the Dinobots' wanting to make your med bay "pretty" was very sweet. You must admit, the place did look kind of dull before.

8. Ok so Bluestreak tends to be a little chatty. But at least he doesn't include enough cursing in his conversations to make a human sailor blush like you do. Go frag myself indeed.

9. I'd hardly call duct tape a "marvel".

10. One is trigger happy and the other is blunt object happy; I'd say vans have more sanity issues than Datsuns.

11, 12, and 13. If Wheeljack didn't have access to flammable, explosive, toxic, radioactive, poisonous, or corrosive items you probably wouldn't have half the wonderful medical tools you are so fond of.

14. Oranges can make napalm?

16. You hate whoever gave Sideswipe his jet pack. Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't it Sideswipe's jetpack that saved your aft last year when a missile sent you over a cliff?

17. Since you chose a human saying as your motto I suppose I should use a human reply. Your motto sucks ass.

18. The incident with Cliffjumper…an anti-gravity unit, half a truckload of ball bearings, three light bulbs, a spool of copper wire, and a kitten.

19. Who cares if Ironhide is ticklish? You still recharge with a turbo fox plushy.

20. Your aerodynamic wrench has nothing on my shoulder missiles.

_**// SIGNED //**_

SMOKESCREEN, DIVERSIONARY TACTICIAN/PSYCH OPS, AUTOBOT


	3. Chapter 3

**AUTOBOT CENTCOM**

1st BATALLION ARK-1 AUTOBOT AIR FORCE

06 February 2009

MEMORANDUM FOR: Diversionary Tactician/Psychological Officer

FROM: Chief Medical Officer Ratchet

SUBJECT: RE:RE: Go frag yourself Smokescreen

I didn't stutter. Go frag yourself.

1. The only way my wrench could cause that kind of damage to those two glitched slaggers is if it was the size of Unicron.

2. **IT'S NOT RED UNDERWEAR!! AND AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE AN ARROW ON MY FRAGGING COD PIECE!!**

3. Jazz found out because you told him didn't you?! Patient confidentiality my aft! Now who's the Prime of Hypocrisy?!

4. I was not exaggerating. Wheeljack has blown off his left hand 29 times. I have the medical records to prove it.

5. There is nothing wrong with my personality! If anything is flawed it is your CPU for insisting that I continue to partake in these ridiculous "attitude adjustment" meetings! They are a waste of time! Just look at Sunstreaker! You've been making him go for over a vorn now and he still enjoys a nightly game of minibot bowling! Oh yeah, works real great Smokescreen!

6. My med bay was not dull; it was sterile! It was a clean, professional, place of work. Explain to me how I am supposed to accomplish the task of repairing damaged bots when I have a sun with a smiley face painted on one of my converted energon regulation units?!

7. There is nothing in my Autobot contract that states that I have to talk "nice." If you don't like it you can shove it up your tailpipe and twist.

8. Duct tape is not a marvel huh? What do you think has been holding your primary coolant pump together since the last battle with the Constructicons?

9. Low blow. I can't believe you just put me into the same category as Ironhide. Oh I just cannot wait for our next appointment. I am going to shove an arc welder so far up your aft that your motherboard will feel it!

10. Yeah, the medical tools Wheeljack has made for me are used on him! It's a vicious cycle that will never, ever, EVER end!

11. Oranges can make napalm. Google it genius.

12. I actually kind of wish Sideswipe had left me fallen off that cliff. It's not like the fall was enough to offline me, and it would have saved me from having to remove the lumber from his aft after his flying toy sent him crashing through half a forest after he dropped me off!

13. Oh…a game of human insults is it? Well I happen to like my motto you sorry sack of shit.

14. Alright, I can see how the antigravity unit, ball bearings, light bulbs, and copper wire worked into it but how in the name of all that is holy and unholy was the kitten utilized?! Is it even still alive?!

15. He is not a plushie! He is a companionable pillow!

16. Your shoulder missiles are nice but they are nothing without ME to calibrate their launchers.

_**// SIGNED //**_

RATCHET, CMO, AUTOBOT


	4. Chapter 4

**AUTOBOT CENTCOM**

1st BATALLION ARK-1 AUTOBOT AIR FORCE

07 February 2009

MEMORANDUM FOR: Chief Medical Officer

FROM: Diversionary Tactician/Psychological Officer

SUBJECT: RE:RE:RE: Go frag yourself Smokescreen

Here's a great idea, why don't you do us all a favor and go frag yourself instead?!

1. After the sort of trauma you've put those two younglings through I'm sure they would rather go against Unicron with wiffle bats for weapons then show up to one of your annual check ups!

2. Hey, I am proud to show off my arrow. So tell me, how much is Fruit of the Loom paying you to sport their product?

3. I didn't tell Jazz anything! You are the one who said Jazz knows these things before anyone else! No one knows how he does it! Not even Primus! Jazz. Just. Knows.

4. 29 times and medical records to back it. I honestly have nothing to say in response to that other than it's a good thing you don't charge us for repairs the way humans do. Then again, if we were paying you per visit maybe it would improve your bedside manner.

5. Minibot bowling?! You are aware of Sunstreaker's hostile activities towards the minicons and you do nothing to stop it?! What kind of doctor are you?!

6. The smiling sun painted on your converted energon regulation unit is not going to interfere with it's ability to function properly so quit whining. The rainbow painted on the extra electron displacer in the storage closet, however, might.

7. So there is no contract stating that you have to "talk nice." But don't you think you might get more cooperation from your patients if you at least tried to be a little more civil and less…oh what is the right term…sadistic?

8. You used duct tape to fix my primary coolant pump?!

9. Ratchet, everyone puts you in the same category as Ironhide. AND LEAVE MY MOTHERBOARD OUT OF THIS!!!

10. Not all of your tools are made by Wheeljack for the sole purpose of fixing his injuries. And we both know that you use those tools on other mechs as well. You probably use them on yourself too. Maybe even to touch up a certain plushie if a stitch comes loose?

11. Huh. Oranges really do make napalm. Go figure.

12. Sideswipe was very heroic for saving your unworthy aft from that fall. It is true that your probably would not have gone permanently offline; but he still saved you from the several injuries you would have acquired. I must admit though, the…lumber incident…was most regrettable. Even **you** had to have felt sorry for him.

13. Well I still say your motto is fucking retarded.

14. If you imagine the antigravity unit from a reverse polarity point of view you can get a better idea of how the prank worked. You know, I forgot to ask if the kitten survived. What a disturbing thought.

15. Companionable pillow? It's a pit spawned plushie and you know it.

17. My shoulder missiles can still be altered and used as explosives.

_**// SIGNED //**_

SMOKESCREEN, DIVERSIONARY TACTICIAN/PSYCH OPS, AUTOBOT


	5. Chapter 5

******* Ok had to make a change and remove the little Bluestreak part. I honestly had no idea someone out there had done a story about Bluestreak having a cat! I didn't mean to jump on someone else's story. It just made sense to me. Out of all the Autobots, the one who would most likely have a pet would be cute little Blue! So anyways, I removed it so no one would be upset. Sorry for the inconvenience and sorry if you were the one who made a story about Bluesteak owning a cat. :( *******

**AUTOBOT CENTCOM**

1st BATALLION ARK-1 AUTOBOT AIR FORCE

08 February 2009

MEMORANDUM FOR: Diversionary Tactician/Psychological Officer

FROM: Chief Medical Officer Ratchet

SUBJECT: RE:RE:RE:RE: Go frag yourself Smokescreen

Go frag myself instead? Oh that was very creative Smokescreen. I've heard better comebacks from Ravage.

1. Wiffle bats? Well at least you gave them real weapons as an option instead of something lame like shoulder missiles.

2. Now look here you Prowl clone. You make one more crack about my paintjob resembling underwear and I will rearrange your frame so that "arrow" of yours ends up upside down and where your aft should be!!!

3. Jazz doesn't just now. He finds things out because mechs like you have mouths big enough to dock Astrotrain!

4. Good idea. Maybe if you all actually paid me per visit I'd have enough to hire a real CPU shrink who actually knows their processor from a hole in the ground; thus giving them the ability to see the obvious and tell me that **THERE ISN'T A SINGLE FRAGGING REASON FOR A PERFECTLY HEALTHY MECH SUCH AS MYSELF TO BE WASTING MY TIME ATTENDING USELESS ANGER MANAGEMENT THERAPY!!!!!!**

5. Explain to me why Sunstreaker using Cliffjumper as a bowling pin is a bad thing?

6. You son of a glitch! You knew they painted things in my storage closet and waited that long to tell me?! Oh, oh yeah, you and me are going to dance.

7. You'd be surprised how much more cooperation I get from scaring a mech to the point of lubricating on himself instead of just saying "please."

8. I never said that I used duct tape to fix your primary coolant pump. I said I used it to hold it together.

9. Your motherboard would enjoy _every second_ of it and you know it. Ironhide and I are not in the same category. Allow me to elaborate. I am an ambulance. Ironhide is a soccer mom van. I fix injured mechs. Ironhide blows other mechs up which makes him feel better about having a soccer mom van for an alt mode. I have a chevron on my helm which houses an advanced sensor net allowing me to better diagnose my patients. Ironhide has a mohawk that serves no real purpose so far as I can tell except making him look like that ridiculous human Mr. T.

10. That's it! When the duct tape starts to fall off of your primary coolant pump you can go to Wheeljack to fix it! Let's see how you feel about his explosive record when he has his hands in your chassis! You're a betting mech; I give you a 50/50 chance of something going **BOOM** during the procedure!

11. Very good Smokescreen, welcome to the world wide web. Now do me a favor. Google waste of time and tell me if your anger management class pops up.

12. I felt sorry for the tree, not Sideswipe's aft.

13. Gasp! Did you use the term retarded? Tsk, tsk, tsk. How very inconsiderate of you Mr. Sensitive. I do believe the correct term is mentally challenged. Now what do you suppose the human therapists would have to say about your usage of such vulgar and derogatory terminology?

14. Ah yes, I can see how the reverse polarity puts things into a different perspective. I am still clueless as to where the kitten plays a role in all this. Wait; please tell me it has nothing to do with the whiskers!

15. Companionable pillow!

16. I can use my wrench to change the flow from your energon converter which could turn you into an explosive.

17. Oh and way to skip number 16 and go straight to a number 17 on your last reply. I'm assuming math was not a deciding factor when you were selected to go to Psychiatry School.

_**// SIGNED //**_

RATCHET, CMO, AUTOBOT


End file.
